The Groomsman Part I

1. shit show

A description of an event or situation which is characterized by an ridiculously inordinate amount of frenetic activity. Disorganization and chaos to an absurd degree. Often associated with extreme ineptitude/incompetence and or sudden and unexpected failure.

It was July and one of my best friends was getting married. Considering that it would be the matrimony of two amazing people it would not be a far stretch to assume that the wedding was going to kick ass. The ceremony itself was beautiful. Then came the reception and then lots of booze. LOTS of booze.

The wedding was beer and wine only. Looking back I cannot be any more thankful for that. The entire wedding party was on the hot mess express. We were all dancing and I had my eye on a very cute groomsmen. He was not my usual type but he was cute and charming.

I left the dance floor for a second to go to the restroom. As I was walking down the hall I see a guy on crutches, he looked sad. I lifted the bottle of wine that I was holding “Want some of this?” I asked. “Sure”, he says “but only if we play the sloth game”. I gave him a puzzled look “What exactly is the sloth game?”. He rolled his eyes, “The sloth game is when we both have to move towards each other acting like a sloth and the first one to break character has to drink”. I thought it was weird but what the hell. He slowly started moving toward me but he is looking increasingly more like a mentally ill person and less like a sloth. Then he started to foam at the mouth.

In my drunken state he looked like this:

Disgusted by Sloth Man I grabbed my bottle of wine and ran away.

I ran down the hall and slam into the groomsman that I had a crush on. The Groomsman asks if I want to get some air outside. We go out into the courtyard and I am standing there clutching a full bottle of white wine listening to him tell a story. Then without much thought I planted my entire face onto his in a grotesque attempt to do what some may call “making out”. He was in the middle of a sentence and I think part of his nose may have gone in my mouth. It was messy but I was happy.

After the wedding the entire wedding party went to a hotel for an after party. We continue to party at the hotel pool until security comes and breaks things up. The Groomsman and I go up to his room but his friend was getting it on with another bridesmaid so we go back to the pool. On our way out we pass another bridesmaid heading to a room with a one of the wedding attendees.

We sit down and cuddle on a pool chair. Suddenly one of the bridesmaids comes storming through the hotel carrying her bag. “Hey!” I yell at her. “Where are you going?!” She comes back to us exasperated. “I’m leaving!” she says. I ask her why. “I was hooking up with one of the grooms friends…I was giving him a hand job” The Groomsman giggles. I elbow him to shut up. “Anyways”, she says “he gets off and I say it’s my turn. He tells me no”. I look at her, “he just said no??” “Yep. Just no.” Her eyes now look watery. “Anyways, he’s an asshole and I don’t want to be here so I’m going home”. I feel awful for her. The Groomsman is smirking.

So it’s 4am and his friend from the hotel room calls; he needs a condom. We don’t have any but his friend begs us to get one at the front desk. The front desk guy says that he has to call the sister hotel. He calls the hotel. “Hi this is Pierre calling from the Hilton I would like to request some condoms…condoms…ma’am I said condoms…no not columns!” Then he finally yells into the phone “CONDOMS!!!! I NEED CONDOMS!”. He apologizes and tells us the front desk person at the other hotel is an 82 year old women who is hard of hearing (Awesome). I look around and everybody in the lobby is looking at us including a very judgmental older couple. I shake my head and look at the woman with pearls around her neck, she glares at me. I mouth the words, “They’re not for us”. She looks away in disdain.

The front desk manager sends the security guy to get us a box of condoms. After 15 minutes the security guy returns and gives The Groomsman a stone cold glare as he hands him the box. Finally, we make our way back up to the room. His friend says he doesn’t need the condoms anymore and the bridesmaid is getting ready to leave. As the bridesmaid leaves she leans in and whispers “That was the most violent hook up of my life! I have bruises on my nipples!” She smiles sweetly at the guys, puts on her shoes and leaves.

It’s 5:30am and I am extremely exhausted. The Groomsman looks excited and jumps into his bed. I close my eyes and start falling asleep. “What are you doing!?!?” he asks. I’m sleeping. “What?! This is bullshit.” Sorry, I’m really tired. He starts grumbling, “all this time….waited for this…and now you…you’re sleeping…stupid…” Yup. Goodnight. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was “blue balls”.

The next day I touch base with the bridesmaids to see how they all ended up that night. One of them slept in a bed sandwiched between a gay man and her childhood nemesis. Another bridesmaid lost part of her tooth (wtf) in the middle of hooking up with a wedding attendee. Turns out that wedding attendee was Sloth Man. At least somebody had a good night!

Read what happens next in The Groomsman Part II.